DOUBT

Have you ever thought that you wanna end up your life soon, because of too many troubles surrounding you? You don’t grow up yet to solve them. Family, friendship, love, and identity are the common problems that usually occur to the teens. In fact, those who are able to resolve the problems will act and decide everything wisely.

Have you ever heard John Legend song “Ordinary People”? (Actually, I don’t find out the text yet). I like him. He sings it well. “Ordinary People” is not the song which tells about a group of person who has a great power and ability. X-Men, Power Rangers?? No way. I guess (it is only my opinion) the song refers to the people who are regarded ‘strange’ because they are different. Action, performance, ability (it is not the same ability as super heroes have), behavior, and physical defect become the reason why the other people make a distance from them. How could it be?! And do you know what? That is me.

My name is Sayid. I’m nineteen years old. I’m one of the teens who were told in the paragraph above. I’m just ordinary person who realizes that I can’t live leisurely. Because what? Because I am a strange boy.

I was fed up with my own life since I knew that I was a looser few years ago. I just followed where the flow went and saw the world from inside the cage. I didn’t realize that the decision I had made, at that time, was really a mistake. I decided to fulfill what my … (I don’t want to tell you who. It seems that I blame him/her/it, but it was really my mistake) wanted. I tried not to force. I just received it. And I was disappointed.

It is not a big deal for me now. I keep trying to repair my defect. And I really don’t care what people think about me. The changes I’ve made and what I do along the day are my own business. They have no right to criticize me. I am the doer. I create the new me. They may do what they want as long as it doesn’t harm me and so may I. it is my commitment (it is your egoism, isn’t it?).

As human, I can’t keep a stack of my worries and anxieties alone. I share them with my really truly best and closest friend. He lives in Teluk Betung and has been working since few months ago in TPI (Tempat Pelelangan Ikan). We always share everything and I really miss him now. He is the only friend who understands the detail of me. If I am gonna go to Tanjung Karang, I will ask him to accompany me and go around or visit some places like what we did when we’re in the dormitory. Getting stress in the dormitory, we would go to some places and returned at nine p.m. (I feel I am calling him soon).

At last (I don’t tell all yet), I just wanna state that I have no ambition (I guess, but I don’t know). Living leisurely is not an ambition. It is just a denial (actually, I don’t think so). As Anna Akhmatova told us in his poet:

I Taught Myself to Live Simply by Anna Akhmatova

I taught myself to live simply and wisely,
to look at the sky and pray to God,
and to wander long before evening
to tire my superfluous worries.
When the burdocks rustle in the ravine
and the yellow-red rowanberry cluster droops
I compose happy verses
about life's decay, decay and beauty.
I come back. The fluffy cat
licks my palm, purrs so sweetly
and the fire flares bright
on the saw-mill turret by the lake.
Only the cry of a stork landing on the roof
occasionally breaks the silence.
If you knock on my door
I may not even hear.

http://famouspoetsandpoems.com/poets/anna_akhmatova/poems/31